And You're Never Coming Home Again
by Aofie
Summary: Sequel to Heartbeats, and I strongly recommend that you read that one first, or this will make very little sense... MerDer


Chapter One- The Day After Yesterday

'_I'm fake at the seams  
I'm lost in my dreams  
And I want you to know  
That I can't let you go.' _

Derek didn't go to her funeral.

It wasn't that he didn't want to. He did, he was all dressed and ready but when the time came he couldn't seem to make himself leave. After Meredith died he had hidden himself away in his trailer, far away from concerned looks and false sympathies, and far far away from Seattle Grace hospital where she had spent her last moments. And now he couldn't leave. He had locked himself away so securely for the past three days that he just couldn't bare to leave. It was as if leaving meant that he was accepting her death, and he couldn't he wouldn't accept that she was dead and he was never going to see her again.

He opened the door to his trailer and stood on the door step uncertainly. It was a perfect day, the kind where the sun was shining so brightly that you thought the world would burst into flames any minute. In a way it was almost mocking, how often did the sun shine in Seattle anyway? Once or twice a year maybe? Derek shook his head slowly and retreated back inside slamming the door behind him. No he wouldn't go to her funeral, not like this. What did it matter anyway? She was gone, she wouldn't even know if he had been there or not, it didn't matter if he didn't go.

The truth was that Derek had fallen apart so completely after Meredith's death that he was surprised he even knew when her funeral was. He had a vague memory of Cristina talking to him about arrangements that needed to be made but he had brushed her off, too deep in his own grief to care much for anyone else.

After sitting uncertainly on the edge of the bed for what seemed like hours (but was really only a few minutes) he got up and pulled his jacket on. Stepping outside he paused for a few moments to take a deep breath before leaving the trailer and heading into the woods. He had no real idea of where he was going; he only knew that he wasn't capable of going to her funeral. He didn't want to remember her like that, and he didn't want to be with hundreds of other people who had barely known her.

Instead he found himself walking through the woods only half aware of where he was walking, mostly on auto pilot, until he reached a clearing just by the trailer. He realized that he had been walking the path that he and Meredith had taken when they had walked Doc in the mornings, and now he was standing in the clearing where they had buried him, where he had buried him. A simple stone marked his grave and Derek knelt in front of it now and considered how horribly ironic it was that both of them had been taken from him by cancer. It wasn't fair, that he was the one left behind, and he knew he was being pathetically immature but he felt as though he was being punished… for every single thing that he had ever done wrong in his life, but mostly for canceling her mother's surgery and thereby losing her. He couldn't help but wonder what would have happened if he had just swallowed his anger and pride and chased after her like he had desperately wanted to. He would liked to have thought that if he had been there earlier he could have saved her, that if he had been with her they would have caught it sooner, and she would have been okay. But the doctor inside him knew better, there were no guarantees in life and he knew deep down that she may have died anyway no matter what he had done.

Derek remained on his knees in front of the grave and wiped a hand wearily across his eyes. There were no tears, he hadn't cried since the day she died and a part of him thought that he probably never would again. Every time he closed his eyes he could still see her lying there, next to him on the bed still as beautiful as she had always been but yet at the same time looking so alien to him that she could have been a different person.

Dead. She was dead. As soon as her last breath had left her body she had stopped being Meredith, and he couldn't look at her anymore. He had let go of her gently and got up from the bed leaving the room without so much as a sound. He remembered walking down the hospital corridor and it seemed so long as if it would never end. People talked at him as he went, enquiring how he was and offering their sympathies, but these comments just washed right over him like a torrent of never ending waves, and at the end of the corridor stood Cristina, her hands clutched behind her head, a wild look in her eyes as though she could scarcely believe this was happening. She met him at the nurse's station and simply looked at him for several long moments. He shook his head slightly. 'She's gone.'

Cristina nodded and covered her mouth with one of her hands, a small sob escaping from her lips and then did something utterly un Cristina like, and pulled Derek into her arms and hugged him tightly.

That was when Derek started to cry. Cristina held him for a long time and was probably crying herself for most of it. When he pulled away her eyes were red and swollen and she reached up and brushed his tears from his cheeks. He covered her hand with his and squeezed it gently.

'I'm so sorry Cristina.' He said softly.

'Yeah.' She paused. 'Me too.'

Derek was sure that neither of them would ever cry again.

He was well settled on the grass now and had no intention of leaving the quiet peaceful clearing any time soon. Perhaps he would just stay forever and eventually just turn into another tree and then he could remain here for all eternity.

Well maybe not all eternity. But at least for several hundred years.

He was now lying flat on his back staring up at the sky, and he lay there for a very long time, too desperate to get up.

A shadow drifted over him, and then someone dropped down into the grass and lay down alongside him, also looking up at the sky.

A hand reached out to grip Derek's arm, and whilst he ignored it, it wasn't as unwelcome as he thought it would be.

'You didn't go to the funeral.' Mark said quietly.

'No I didn't.' He said softly, somewhat irritated that someone had spoiled his quiet peaceful state of denial. He was even more irritated that that person was Mark, who didn't have the right to be anywhere near him let alone trying to console him over his loss. What did Mark know about loss anyway? How dare he come here and try to make him feel guilty over not going to Meredith's funeral? However he wouldn't say all this to Mark right now, it all required too much energy and Derek just couldn't be bothered. Besides it was always best to just ignore Mark.

Mark let go of his arm. 'I'm sorry about Meredith.' He said. 'I haven't been able to tell you.'

Derek ran his hands over his face, rubbing his eyes roughly. 'What are you doing here Mark?' he asked wearily.

'Derek I came to see if you were okay.' Mark said sitting up. 'I mean of course you're not okay, but it's like you fell off the face of the earth this week.'

'Just because I lost the only thing in this world that meant anything to me doesn't mean you have to come all the way out here to check on me, I would hate for you to lose time from your busy schedule on my account.' He said savagely.

'Contrary to popular belief Derek I do actually care about you and about how you're doing.' Mark said angrily. 'And despite what you think I do have some understanding of loss. I may not have lost the person I loved most in the world to cancer, but Derek, I understand what you must be feeling.'

This comment riled Derek so much that he forgot about preserving his fragile state of peace and he sat up abruptly. 'You think you know what I'm feeling! You think you have any idea of how I'm feeling? She's dead Mark. Dead. I am never going to see her again; I'll never get to smell her hair, or hold her close, or watch her finish her residency.' He was on his feet now his fists clenched tightly. 'I feel like part of me is gone, I can't breath, and I feel like I'll never be able to breath again. Things will never be the same again, I feel like a different person, I can't be the way I used to be, and I can't, I can't breath.' He paused for a moment and drew in a shaky breath. 'I can't be Derek Sheppard anymore.'

Mark got to his feet slowly, and stood in front of Derek. 'I don't pretend to know what you're going through. I said I understand it, not that I know how it feels because I don't. But I do know loss Derek; I've had the person I care most about in the world walk out on me remember? I do understand loss.'

'How can you bring up Addison to me now Mark? How can you think that even compares?'

'I'm not talking about Addison you stupid idiot.' Mark yelled at him. 'I'm talking about you!'

'Me?'

'Yes Derek. You. You left me. You were my whole family, you were my brother and my best friend, and you just left me and you have barely spoken to me since. It was like losing an arm, or half my body. You may not have died, but it sure as shit feels like it.'

'You betrayed me Mark. What the hell did you expect?' Derek said bitterly. 'You made your bed, and you fucked in it.'

'I know what I did was wrong, I know it was stupid and thoughtless and a betrayal. I'm not trying to say it wasn't. All I'm saying is that I understand loss, and I am here for you now, if you need me.'

Derek didn't answer. He sank back down into the grass.

'Derek?'

'I don't need anything from you Mark.' He said softly. 'Please, just go away.'

'Derek have you ever considered that by shutting me out of your life you're also losing something? You're hurting yourself just as much as you're hurting me. I know you think you don't need me, but you will.' He paused for a moment. 'I just want you to know that I will still be here when you realize you do.' He said. And with that he slowly walked away.

Derek sat there for a long time, lost in his thoughts and his grief. When it began to get dark and a slow drizzle of rain began to fall, he picked himself up and went home to the trailer. Maybe he would just stay in bed tomorrow, and try and deal with everything he knew was coming later. Maybe if he just went to bed and tried to sleep he could make it to tomorrow.

'_And you're never coming home again.  
And you're never coming home again.'_

**A/N- Well here we are at the sequel… I hope you will enjoy it. It's going to be quite different to Heartbeats, both in style and plotlines… it will also be about twice as long, and much much harder to write, so I hope you will stay with me till the end. I think it will be worth it. **


End file.
